I guess by now you know that I'm gay.
Clicking on the 'gayguy' link is a bit of a give-away I reckon.
Now to me this 'aint no big deal' as I don't think it means anything in particular - just as someone wouldn't go around saying 'hi, I'm Chris and by the way, I'm straight!'. But I guess to others it can sometimes be an issue, so I reckoned I should say someting about it.
Actually, I wanted to have a place where I could talk about it, where I could share my experiences, my thoughts, my emotions - in the hope that in some way it helps more people understand what it's like and what you go through.
I'm very happy being who I am, but I didn't really 'come out' until I was about 29. I guess this is something I kind of regret a little bit, because I realise now that I spent a lot of time avoiding who I really was and trying to fit in to what others expected me to be.
In coming to terms with this and in figuring out what I really wanted out of life, I went through a lot of experiences, some good, some bad, but still experiences that made me a better person and that I feel I should share.
I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful guy called Ruben but I guess before that, I spent a fair bit of time getting to know the real me.
People, friends have asked me would I prefer to be straight.
To be honest that's difficult to answer... On the one hand there is all the emotional stress that I wouldn't have had to deal with had I not been gay. The times I've spent wondering 'why can't I be like everyone else?', 'why do I feel so different?', why can't I just be who I am without worrying what everyone else thinks?'.
But that's offset with the realisation that it's the experiences I've had have that have me a richer person.
So I guess the answer is probably no. But you know, we're talking about a hypothetical situation here, so who cares?
Do I like being gay? Well, having never been anything else, I don't think I can say either way. OK, I didn't fully accept it for many years, but deep down I guess I still was, so how the hell am I to know what being someone else is like? Do you like being you? It's the same question.
I don't like the way 'who I am' is perceived sometimes. It seems that people are very quick to 'pigeon-hole' you into some kind of social stereotype. Half the population still believe 'my type' should go straight to Hell and there's also a fair few who think I 'chose' this way of life and therefore shouldn't be seen as part of 'normal' society.
Believe me, you don't choose to go through what most of us have to go through - it just 'is'. You either accept it and get on with being who you are - or you spend the rest of your life in some kind of denial/role play being someone who you think other people want to see.
It's also automatically assumed that being gay means you're a total pervert, a peadophile or some kind of sex addict. You'd think that everyone else is whiter than white and that thay just don't do the things those 'homosexuals get up to'.
Well, for a start, believe me, that's the biggest load of bollocks - I know far too many 'straight' people who get up to a fuck of a lot worse ('scuse the language) or who'd really like to and who either deny it to themselves or just carry on in a sly, underhand way. OK, some gay men are the biggest bigots I've met, but the majority are at least true to who they are, what they like, what they like to do and with whom and just 'get on with it'. At least they admit to themselves and others that sex plays an important part in their lives and so long as those taking part enjoy it and want it, 'why the hell not!' .
There's another side to this as well. I played a lot of rugby until fairly recently (injuries and a bit of timeout) and to be honest love sport. Yet, the moment I say this to some people, it's automatically assumed that I 'fancy' the guys I play sport with. 'Do you like guys in sports kit?' I'm asked. 'What about in the showers after matches?' Why does everyone ask that?!
To be honest yeh, there's times I like some guys, but it's more to do with who they are and whether they're good looking than whether they're in a rugby shirt, football shorts or whatever.. Most blokes that play amateur sport and have neither Michael Owen's face or his body (unfortunately!), are not exactly that attractive. Besides, you're just playing sport and you just don't find every frigging male attractive - you get to know the other lads in your team as mates - you play a 'team' sport together and you just get on with it and enjoy it for what it is.
And I guess I may have been lucky. The majority of the guys who I used to play rugby with are still really good mates and were just so cool when I told them. In fact, one of them, when I told him, just hugged me, bought me a bottle of champagne and said 'so what, when are we gonna get you out there playing again?'. Now, most of the guys in the club I played for know and although i'm not playing at the moment, still get asked on a regular basis to come back and play.
OK, there's still loads of stuff to talk about - click on any of the links below to read about coming out, first time on the gay scene, first early experiences and other stuff. I'm adding stuff regularly here so watch this space!
Some of this is stuff I've experienced, some just stuff I've written - I'll leave you to sort out which is which ;-)
