being gay 2
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I always felt different when I was younger and I could never figure out what it was.

I felt that I didn't fit in with everyone else. I always thought I was on the periphery and always felt as though I had to fight to be 'part of the gang'. I kind of felt like I didn't belong, but didn't understand why.

I always shied away from certain stuff that the 'lads' did. A lot of it didn't really appeal to me. I liked sports, I liked having fun. I even liked being a 'lad' some of the time. It's just that I found some of the stuff they did immature, childish. They didn't even think about what it was they were doing half the time and I couldn't figure out why they acted like they did, talked about other kids the way they did and always spent their time posturing and trying to outdo each other like they *always* did.

And even up to the time I had left University and was building a life in London with a whole bunch of new friends, I still always felt as though I wanted to be part of this. To be 'accepted' and to be the popular rugby-playing, out-on-the-town, hard working, good catch type of lad. I actually found myself working hard at trying to be what everyone else was.

That is, until I realised that the 'gang' I was trying to be a part of, wasn't the gang I should have been trying so hard to be liked by.

The 'gang' I really was part of, was a totally different gang.

And you know something? I knew that way back in school days as well, but I just didn't sit up and listen!

I felt as though I had to work at being part of this 'set up' because that's what I thought everyone was like but I just didn't want to be part of it enough. I wanted to be 'one of the crowd' but just couldn't bring myself to play at being someone I was not, just for the sake of being accepted by people that I didn't really consider to be true friends anyway.

And yet I still kept on trying.

Why?

Don't get me wrong  this wasn't something I spent a lot of time worrying about but I just think subconsciously I was trying to fit in all the time and didn't realise why exactly it was that I didn't.

I grew up as an only child, my mum bringing me up by herself after her and my dad separated when I was three so I learnt from a very early age to be comfortable being on my own and make my own entertainment.

I used my imagination a lot  I had (and still do have) a very imaginative mind so I used to make my own amusement. Which of course lead to me being comfortable being on my own and not worrying too much about being around other people  in fact I liked and still like my own space a lot.

This didn't mean I was a loner  it's just that I didn't have a problem being alone.
(although I do remember often thinking how good it would be to have a brother)

It's just that I remember feeling that this is what everyone was supposed to be like and although I didn't actually agree with the concept, felt like I should be trying at least.
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I'm rambling a bit now, but really want to get the rest of this down so, if you wanna know when I've put more of my inane ramblings up here, if you've got any thoughts or comments or if you just wanna ask me something, drop me a note in my guestbook or Yahoo me and I'll let you know.
In the Outfield
Continued... 'being gay3'