That was the 10th time I'd walked passed and still hadn't gone in.
What the hell? Either go in or don't it's simple.
You afraid you'll know someone in there? well if you do, there's a pretty big chance they're in there for the same reasons as you are.
You afraid someone will spot you going in? well, if they do, what are they doing down that road anyway?
For God's sake just go in it's not that big a deal if you don't like it you can leave.
I look around. There's no-one there apart from some drunken lad taking a piss in the corner. I walk down the alley again towards the door of the club. The alley that runs behind the Astoria, where the club is, is kind of dark and stinks from all the rubbish dumped and the pisses people have taken.
But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Good choice I thought. Although it was just off the main road near Tottenham Court Rd, it was out of the way enough so that no-one would see me going in. What made me so scared about people seeing me?
I can see two huge bouncers standing at the entrance in their black zipped-up bomber jackets and pierced noses they look fierce.
I can here the 'thump, thump' of the music coming from inside the Astoria some Goth concert going on.
Earlier there'd been a huge queue of boys, girls and I'm not quite sures, all dressed in black, with chains, leathers and long hair, stretching all the way round the back of the building and down the alley.
No way am I going passed them lot!
Now, it was quiet. Apart from the guy taking a piss. But he didn't seem to know who he was, let alone where he was.
My heart was in my mouth. My throat was dry. I had that really strange feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know something is about to happen but you're not sure what. All you know is that you're scared, you're nervous but at the same time you're just really excited.
Excited at the unknown. Excited about what might be. Excited that you're doing it at last. And yet, you know now, your life will change after tonight. No matter how you put it or even try and hide it it will change. Hopefully for the better. Hopefully as you'd often thought and hoped it would be. But change nevertheless.
Two guys in their twenties come out from the club and walk down the alley passed me arm in arm, chatting and smiling and saying something about whether they were going to meet so and so down at Heaven. They glance at me, smile and then carry on into their own world.
I breath deep and walk towards the light of the doorway where the two bouncers were. God, was I shaking? Don't be fucking stupid!
"Hi mate. You alright? It's 6 quid and we don't close till 3. Just pay down the stairs there."
A smile. A friendly smile. Definitely not the pit bull I'd seen earlier.
"Er, thanks."
"Enjoy yourself. It's busy in there tonight."
I smiled back at him. Phew, he made that easier than I thought it'd be - thanks mate. I walk down the stairs to the booth and give the guy behind the window £10. He passes over the change and stamps my wrist with an ink stamp.
I look down at my hand I now had 'Substation' branded across my wrist. 'Shit.'
Confirmation.
Will it come off? Will my flatmates see it? They'll know. Oh well, I can scrub it later.
No turning back now.
Here goes.
I can sense the life behind the doors I was about to go through. I can here the music pounding away and the voices and laughs. I can smell the excitement, the anticipation, the lust.
It felt weird. It felt scary like I'd never felt before. It felt good.
The whole night ahead.
What was this night, this big, big night in my life going to bring.
I instantly see in my mind all the things that will happen later tonight.
People meeting people. Guys having a good time. A Friday night out. Smiles, laughs, music, lights, smoke, dancing, furtive glances, drink, eyes staring into eyes, whispers, kisses, more drink, who knows what. Partners arguing, shouts, storming off, tears, hugs, drink and then short memories, back to normal. Guys meeting, hitting it off and going home to shag all night. Guys doing it all over London. Guys doing it all over England in clubs just like this. Hell, guys doing it all over the world. Why not me!
What will I do?
How do you begin to talk to someone? How do you meet people you like? What if they see you looking at them? I'll see someone I know. Everyone's going to look round when I walk in. They'll know I've not been here before. They'll know it's my first time. They'll know I'm nervous. My God, they'll know I'm gay!
Runaway!
No! Don't give in now.
I push the doors open and walk into my new life.
