coming out
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OK - coming out.

Well to be honest it took me a while! Looking back I wish I'd done it a hell of a lot sooner.

If you managed to deal with it easily and found it pretty straightforward coming out and letting people know who you really were, then I guess there may be stuff here that you don't agree with. But if, like me, you struggled. If like me, you found it hard to reconcile your own thoughts/desires/needs/happiness with those of your friends/family/schoolmates/work colleagues/whatever. If, like me, you just couldn't 'find' the right people to talk to, the right environment to be comfortable in, didn't feel easy about making that big step to what you knew in your heart was what you really wanted, then let me share with you what I guess a typical gay guy goes through when he realises that's what he is.

You know, if you had really bad experiences coming out or even if you haven't yet, you may well read this and say CRAP. This guy doesn't understand what I'm going through. All I can say is this is what I went through and if it can help anyone else in anyway, if it can make you realise that there are people out there who do care, who do understand, who have been through what you are going through, who you can talk to, then that's all I want to do.

I kinda knew from a pretty early age that guys 'did it for me'  - I guess I was just too frightened to admit it. Not to myself, because I kinda grew to live with it. More, to everyone else.

I came from a suburb of Birmingham where it seemed that that kind of thing just didn't exist. I felt alone, I felt isolated, I felt scared. I didn't have a clue whether there was anywhere to turn to and to be honest was probably still too scared to do anything about it even of there was! I felt I was the only one and I certainly felt that my parents wouldn't understand.

I bottled it up and tried to get on with life to such an extent that I went through school, went off to university, moved to London, started work, met a whole group of friends and just tried to get on with life before I finally faced up to what I really wanted and had the bottle to do something about it.

(click here to read more about what I felt about being gay and how I managed to accept who I was and get on with it)

With hindsight I think I missed out on a good few years but to be honest I don't look back and regret too much (apart from the thought of missing out on all those really cute boys!!!) . I'm just glad that I finally did and now I'm happy just being me and much more.

One thing  - It's such a big thing looking at it from that side but once you make that leap (and to be honest it doesn't have to be a leap), It's sooooo much easier on the other side. OK, there's different kind of stresses to deal with and there could be people's reactions to deal with but boy, it's like a massive weight lifted off your shoulders. You feel so alive, so relieved, so eager to get on with your life. I was pretty terrified beforehand but after, apart from feeling like I'd made a mountain out of a molehill, I felt truly liberated - for the first time in my life. I quickly changed my outlook, stopped worrying about what people would think and just got on with being who I was.

A few things I kinda realised, to start:

* I worried what everyone else would think - DON'T! It isn't worth it - you can't worry about everyone

* I worried what friends would be like - AGAIN, DON'T! You pretty quickly see who real friends are and those that you thought were really good friends and still find it a problem, well they aint really friends to be honest and it's their problem not yours. It can be a big thing thinking that you might lose people you kinda like but hey, what's more important here - their bigotry and stupidity or your happiness. You will however, be pretty surprised by some people. I was pretty lucky to be honest. Majority of my friends just didn't really care - well they cared about me and about my happiness but who I fancied just wasn't something that they were that worried about. They just wanted me to be who I was - and happy with it.

* I worried how it would effect my life, work, relationship with friends/relatives etc -  WOW. This was one of the things that kept me back for so long. It might seem outrageous to some people but you know, the best way to look at this is say "hey, what's the really worst that can happen here? Compared to what some people have to go through/ have gone through - war, genocide, illness, abuse etc this is small fry. OK I might have to change jobs, I might lose some friends, I might even run the risk of losing my family for a while. But I want to be me and I don't want to live my life trying to hide who I am from everyone - if they really can't live with it then I'll find friends, work and family who can

* It's a massive relief - honest

* you quickly come to realise that it's not that big a deal - afterwards

* you kind of build up a confidence and an outgoingness (nice word eh!) that you didn't have before - because you're happier wih you, you can be happier with  what you do and how you go about doing it

* when you realise that you love sex with other guys, you want to be close to someone who just so happens to be another guy and you just don't care what anyone else thinks - it's great feeling!!!


So, I already said that I left it until late. I did actually lead a pretty 'straight' life for a while - shared houses with mates, had a few girlfriends, played rugby, went out with the lads, even though about marriage, kids etc. I guess that's because I just wasn't ready to deal with it.

What I hadn't mentioned was that while I was at school I went out with, or at least saw, a couple of guys.

In fact one was the very first person who, at 15, I fell in love with and who I had a relationship with (for about 2/3 months!) and one was the younger brother of a friend who I just lusted after and who seemed to enjoy the fooling around and sex thing, while all the time trying to be 'cool' with his mates.

(more of this if I get round to it or if I get asked to tell more ;-))

So, I guess it was just a matter of time until I had to get it right in my own head, that that's what I wanted and that I better do something about it.

I still remember vividly the time I eventually had enough bottle to walk into a gay club, the time I started talking to other gay guys and the time I first 'picked up someone'! That was a bit of a turning point because I realised that this wasn't going to go away. I was going to have to deal with this.

It was about 2 years before I got to the point where I was absolutely ready to talk to my parents. It was a big deal for me - my mother, great though she is, was/is so Middle-England, so seemingly worldwise and yet still so naive about certain stuff, that I knew it would be something she'd find hard to understand. My dad, I actually felt would be OK about it (they'd separated when I was really young, but I was still close to both). I wasn't sure why but i kind of ahd the feeling that he'd just be OK about it.

I decided (about a year and a half ago now to be honest) to take the plunge and tell them.

One Sunday I phoned both of them and on separate weekends, one about two weeks after the other, I asked them to come to London or meet me half way to talk about something I needed to tell them.

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I'm rambling a bit now, but really want to get the rest of this down so, if you wanna know when I've put more of my inane ramblings up here, if you've got any thoughts or comments or if you just wanna ask me something, drop me a note in my guestbook or Yahoo me and I'll let you know.
a first experience