I'm starting to relax now. Standing there watching everyone, soaking up the atmosphere, acknowledging people who nod a hello at me, I suddenly start smiling to myself.
A new feeling begins to well up in me. Contentment? Happiness? I don't know what exactly, but it feels as though all of a sudden I've found what I'd been looking for. This feels right. It feels good. It feels different.
I'd read about people going into gay bars for the first time and saying that they'd found 'Home'. Now, standing at the edge of a packed dance floor, watching guys together, enjoying life, being who they wanted to be, I knew exactly what they meant.
This was where I belonged. This was what I wanted too. I was ALIVE!
Elation washes over me and I laugh out loud to myself in a cry of release. In my mind I'm jumping up and down, waving my arms and screaming with joy. (must have looked a bit of a nutter but at that point I didn't care about anything else).
It sounds stupid but I really feel released - a new person who's suddenly found the thing they've been searching for all their life. It really did feel like I'd found Home!
With the biggest smile on my face that I've had for years, I go back to the bar to get another drink.
The cute guy's serving and as I stand waiting to be served, he glances up and catches me staring at him. He smiles. I smile back but feel really awkward again.
"Hi. Vodka and coke please. Double!"
"Sure."
I wait as he turns round and fixes my drink. I catch myself staring at him. The way his jeans show off his taught body. The way his t-shirt just rests on the top of his jeans, showing a glimpse of gorgeous skin underneath. I wonder what he looks like naked. WOW, why is it that some guys can just make me ache with yearning?
"There you go - £4.50 please" that smile again! His eyes just melt me.
"Thanks." I say, handing over yet another note. I feel shy, nervous, excited. STUPID! Why is it that some guys make me go weak because I find something about them, the way they look, the way they dress, the clothes they wear, the way they smile, the way they talk, so attractive.
And why is it that when see at a guy like that, I always feel so unconfident. They always reduce me to a tongue-tied, gibbering wreck who suddenly can't even string a sentence together and who feels like some shy young schoolboy trying to ask someone out for the first time.
And then it just happens.
Out of nowhere: "Look, sorry if I was staring at you. Didn't mean to, it's just that you've got a really nice smile."
God, where did that come from? Did that sound corny or what?
"That's OK mate, I don't mind. You're kinda nice too. Catch you later" he winks and turns to serve the next guy.
I walk back into the throng, towards the dance floor and the lights. My God, I've just tried to chat up the barman!
Does he fancy me? I'm sure he said he liked me too. What do I do now? My stomach flips over again. Am I going to actually be doing tonight what I've wanted to do for so long? Am I going to actually have full sex with another guy for the first time since the boy I loved at school?
Oh, boy! This feels just so good.
