I think that deep down I did realise that I just wasn't attracted to girls and that I had more of an attraction for guys. I think I also realised that the 'accepted' paths and emotional traditions that everyone was supposed to follow, weren't necessarily what I wanted.
But at that age, when my feelings were still so mixed up, I found it hard to reconcile my real feelings against what society expected me to do and therefore found it difficult to be the 'real' me.
It was weird because I had a real mixed sense of destiny a kind of foreboding that my attraction to other guys would just have to be kept under wraps while I got on with life in the hope that it would just go away, together with a real kind of excited buzz that I 'was' different and that sooner or later I would be OK about it, not care a flying fuck what anyone else really thought about it and that I would be able to choose the life I wanted and not be constrained by society's expectations.
Not fitting into the little boxes that everyone creates was something that used to worry me a little bit but I quickly grew to realise that it really didn't matter and these are boxes that other people create, not you.
What annoyed me and was something which I could never fully comprehend was that all these boxes, these attitudes, these expectations were passed down by our parents, older and supposedly wiser people who should be teaching their children tolerance, acceptance openeness and honesty and yet were responsible for passing on and profilgating the stereotypes and bigotry that us children then judged our peers by.
I'm rambling a bit now, but really want to get the rest of this down so, if you wanna know when I've put more of my inane ramblings up here, if you've got any thoughts or comments or if you just wanna ask me something, drop me a note in my guestbook or Yahoo me and I'll let you know.
